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Quotes by Woody Allen

US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )

View t-shirts and apparel containing Woody Allen quotes.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.

CP It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

CP I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

CP I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's fantastic ...

CP Thought: why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage.

CP On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead.

Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

Miscellaneous methods of Civil Disobedience: Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word 'pudding' until one's demands are met. Phoning members of the 'establishment' and singing 'Bess, You Is My Woman Now' into the phone. Dressing as a policeman and then skipping. Pretending to be an artichoke but punching people as they pass.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

CP I don't want to become immortal through my work, I want to become immortal through not dying.

CP I am at two with nature.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

CP It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving?

The wicked at heart probably know something.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal

We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.

The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

CP If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be terminal cases, blind people, criples. The miserable is everyone else. When you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Eternity is very long, especially towards the end.

Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.

CP I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

CP Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

CP Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

CP Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

CP If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

CP Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

CP More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

CP On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

CP My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

CP I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.