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Quotes by Will Rogers

US humorist & showman (1879 - 1935)

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See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?

Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.

The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'

Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family. But he can't make a living for them and his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people.

Nothing you can't spell will ever work.

You can't say civilizations don't advance...in every war they kill you in a new way.

I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.

I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.

Noah must have taken into the Ark two taxes, one male and one female. And did they multiply bountifully! Next to guinea pigs, taxes must have been the most prolific animals.

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

You can't say civilization don't advance...in every war they kill you a new way.

Our Constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U.S. senators.

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

Try to live your life so that you wouldn't be afraid to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

There ought to be one day - just one - where there is open season on senators.

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.

I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.

We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.

I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If studidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education.

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

I bet you if I had met him [Trotsky] and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like.

Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.

Spinnin' a rope is fun if your neck ain't in it.

Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.

If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week.

Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.

An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

CP An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politics is applesauce.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.