Items with the red CP logo are available in our Cafepress.com store. Click on the logo to view all products (hats, t-shirts, mugs, and other gift items) for that author or quote.

Quotes by Steven Wright

US comedian and actor (1955 - )

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

CP My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

CP Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

CP Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

CP I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.

there's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

CP If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

CP I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

CP I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

CP I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

CP Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

CP I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

CP Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

CP Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'