Items with the red CP logo are available in our Cafepress.com store. Click on the logo to view all products (hats, t-shirts, mugs, and other gift items) for that author or quote.

Quotes by Joan Rivers

US comedienne (1935 - )

View t-shirts and apparel containing Joan Rivers quotes.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ``Get the hell off my property.''

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.