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Quotes by Henny Youngman

US (English-born) comedian (1906 - 1998)

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in- law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.