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Quotes by Groucho Marx

US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 - 1977)

View t-shirts and apparel containing Groucho Marx quotes.

CP From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

CP Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

CP Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Here's to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet!

I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.

You are only as old as the woman you feel.

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows--marriage does.

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go.

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school!

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.