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Quotes by Fred Allen

US radio comedian (1894 - 1956)

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

[Television is] the triumph of machine over people.

CP Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

CP Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Do we really deserve top billing?

CP What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

CP California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

CP Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

CP California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.

CP Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

CP Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

CP Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done.

CP What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?